The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”