Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it