My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
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[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
incredible text to wake up to
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
January has been Januweary
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer