[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Not helping
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.