A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.