Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
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sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
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Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.