It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*