What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
this has to be peak English
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year