ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
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I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.