I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug