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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.