Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Mmmm canned fish.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.