Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
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Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together