Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
You Might Also Like
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I really had high hopes for this year though
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”