SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
You Might Also Like
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I get distracted pretty eas
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.