The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Introverted vegans go meetless
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
lmao
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.