(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
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Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend