Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are