I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You Might Also Like
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?