Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
what it’s like dating me:
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.