Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
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My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef