When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Living the best life.. 😊
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees