My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
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I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever