Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Day 2 of my diet
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Not today, today.
Not today.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
it was love at first sight