The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
You Might Also Like
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
figuring out my emotional availability:
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie