This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.