Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.