satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Meeeee too!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!