I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Realize this:
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.