You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
the only organized thing in my life is crime
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.