So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
this is the most humiliating day of my life
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I need to update my racial profile.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.