Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
You Might Also Like
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.