My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.