Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
man i love columbo
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock