A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.