Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
This is my pinned tweet
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
When you let grandma cat sit
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.