Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*orders delivery*
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough