My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
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Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?