Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Strange
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need