Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.