My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I would like even faster food.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.