me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
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Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My time has come.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here