PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My kitchen overserved me.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“our sushi is very fresh”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?