yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.