doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
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Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
then why did i get this email
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.