don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
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if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.