My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.