my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.