Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*