I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Something Saturday.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that